blushes

Somehow, things are starting to make sense and biting the bullet has never been something I have been more sure about before. Somehow, as this move progresses (I am signing a lease tomorrow) I have become more excited than frightened of the loss of money after all of this work of saving has done for me. I was certain I wanted to save that money for Iceland, or a trip somewhere, but that definitely won't be happening. In fact, it isn't even a prospect. I am broke and am going to have to really put things into perspective here. What do I want to do? How do I want to do it? What will it require?

I've got a few things in mind. One of which is to drop the regret and guilt at the door as soon as I move into this place. This isn't just a living space, it's a work space as well. What happens there determines everything. That is a fact of my life. This is why I have had to move a million times in five years. Instead of moving somewhere because it's easier, or because I have to, I'm moving for the sheer choice of doing so and nothing more. I'm moving to focus on my work. Not to save money to travel, not to have a space to party, not to open up my doors for a partner... or whatever.

I should consider how lucky I am right now anyway. I have two awesome, tolerable jobs with (so far) tolerable people. My roommate doesn't hate me for moving out. I have really talented, interesting and amazing friends who have been putting up with my pessimistic grumbling for this entire summer, or even longer. I have a family who is supportive of every direction that I take and :gasp: every creative venture, no matter what small puff it may be. Frankly, I think that I got out lucky on this entire deal, considering the way things could have turned out. Now, maybe I am speaking too prematurely, but I must say that in many ways things are starting to make sense.

And to think that this move to Kansas City may actually be making sense. I don't know how, but it's just a feeling. To think that I have spent the past two years unsure of what the hell is going on is beyond me. I had no idea why I was here, why I even came here and where the hell I was. In many respects, I still don't, but something is starting to shape. Maybe it's just me. The way that I have talked the past two years have made me seem like I am going somewhere, but I wasn't. I can't say I am now, either, but I feel that I may be. And that's more than I can say before.

I have no idea where this entry is going, like I don't with many of them. But at this very moment time is sitting still and letting me make sense of what has happened. Next week, I will have a different life.