blushes

I find myself functioning in a state of ambivalence concerning my own ego needs as of late. I guess the realization has come over me, and maybe it's an average adulthood realization, that most of what I do is meaningless and unimportant. I am just a mind and soul sitting in this body, like a million other bodies floating around on the Earth's crust this very moment. Fortunately, for me, I have been able to draw the line between that realization and the knowledge that what I do does have some kind of meaning, and yes, we do all feel and function and are human beings whether or not it is meaningful. What's meaningful or not meaningful to me will be the opposite to someone else. It's all very simple, and I have known of it before, but to start waking up as a person who gets this instead of a person who is trying to deny it makes me think that I must have stepped over some barrier that was keeping me from progressing anywhere in my own life. Everything seemed so important to me even though I had the knowledge that one day I will die.

I was afraid to touch my poetry, my art and do anything different. I was stuck somehow, in the only way I could be stuck. And coming from a person who is generally unstuck, I am not sure how it happened, but it did. Maybe I was afraid to move because it's clear that there is little available on the outside world, and what you take must be frugal. It's arrogant otherwise. Maybe I needed more security than I wanted to admit. I didn't have much else because I chose to make it that way, in the end. I had plenty of false security, but nothing real. I'm not sure if there is real freedom, or freedom that is illusory at the time. But either way, the most self defined free of individuals I know have various sources of security that allow them to detach from many things that others have had to find security in.

I think that this kind of realization only comes when you get to know you and your own emotions. If you don't even understand yourself, then the possibility of even beginning to try and understand the fundamentals of the rest of humanity is impossible. I am definitely an advocate for myself, my friends and in the larger scheme, this entire country as a whole, to do some serious reviewing. That's just me, though. I think I woke up and grew up within' a week and what seemed important last month is absolutely meaningless now. All of my petty drama and emotional baggage is boring to even consider right now. I am hungry for something new, something really intense, and something to send me off from this place.

In the end, what is meaning anyway? When you find it you discover its unreality. When you find it the truths you found are proven untrue. It's such a worthless scour in this modern world to try and uncover anything when the entirety of the way things are working makes it a lie. There is no way to get around it other than the acceptance that it is a lie but we are all humans and we aren't aliens, we aren't gods. We all have these base needs and desires that deserve to be respected and frankly, ignoring that fact, is inhumane to ourselves and others.