blushes

This is going to be the longest several months ever. I can just feel it. Tying up the loose ends of my past, reconnecting and accepting failure and success in this experience in Kansas City. I don't feel that I am jumping the gun this time, but that my insides are knowingly going somewhere else.

Life is just too short otherwise. I don't have much to prove anymore. I felt drowned in it all when I got back in Kansas City last night. The ride back was clogged with traffic. It took us an hour to sludge through the short span of highway from Columbia to a nearby small town. The only thing I can think about is May and trying to keep myself afloat with the end of this rope for the rest of the time here. But the only thing that's going to get me through it is confidence and finding it in myself to not fall into the same old traps of my life. I can choose to be a different person and that's what I'm going to do. Who gives a shit otherwise? It's about being myself. I've been jailing myself in a kind of anger I haven't experienced since I was a teenager. And you know, there was a reason for it. I could be angry for the rest of my life and it would be justified. But why bother?

I may end up somewhere completely different than expected in a year and I don't mind that one bit. As long as it isn't here. I've learned from my mistakes and now I am willing to start fresh and where I wanted to start from the beginning. Apparently I wasn't there yet.

There will be negativity around me at any given point during the day. It's up to me to deal with it. The universe doesn't give a damn about anyone. There's no such thing as karma in the chaotic universe but I do what I can do to make it better. Now I'm feeling more like myself. I'm not shackled to anything or anyone if I don't want to be. I'm not shackled to old perceptions and destructive beliefs. I'm not shackled to perfection when I don't want to be. Yep, when I don't want to be. If I have food, shelter and love then I'm not shackled to anything else. If I'm not, well that's for another entry. That's another subject.

Mmm. It feels good to shed skin.