tune the fire doown

I'm staying in this Friday because A. My left eye is swollen from fiberglass B. KC can be boring sometimes C. I'm obsessed with my sewing machine but I have to clean my bedroom first (see, setting incentives) and D. I'm kind of in a daydreamy mood anyway. I'm craving invigoration. I'm wanting, and needing, an experience to strip me from this reality I am in the midst of right now. It's old. I know that it will change, and that life will flourish one day. But I have tapped into some ruts again, and this time I can't take a spontaneous trip to New York to break me out of them. This time the ruts aren't related to, "the way I treat space in the city," or , "how to reinvent my use of time." No, these ruts can only be influenced by the choice of people outside of me right now. And you know, that's the scary part of it. In some way I have control, but I have accepted that at this point in time, this space, on this bed, that there is no way in hell I can do a damn thing about it except sit and breathe and keep my bedroom from becoming infested with spiders.

Not only that, but my life is shifting around at this point in time. I have no idea what is going to happen but it feels rollercoaster esque, as if I am suspended in time. It's quite brilliant in a way. I escape this while being around my girlfriends, drawing, sewing or sitting at a bar staring at bottles of liquor and moving a straw around my rather tired gin and tonic. While I am alone, I am suspended. Sometimes I do not want to be distracted from it. I know I will land somewhere. I know what I want. I know what I need. And it may be that in most aspects (unless I tell myself there is no way that this can be real, that it's all almost too good to be true, that it's surreal, that it's no better than being ten years old and seeing anything beyond my rural hometown's city limits) what I want and what I need are on the same page. If I am lucky enough to spend one day with the satisfaction of knowing that something happened smoothly I would be a happy woman.

When I really think about it, though, I am a "I want to spread myself all over everything, deeply" kind of person. This isn't reality. It will never be. I will always, always be disappointed. I will always want more. And I mean by experience, or feeling. I'm not a rabidly money hungry person. I find nothing in that. If only I could tune down the fire for a minute. Or let it go where it needs to go. But that would be everywhere. No where is safe. No where.