processed grilled cheese in Missouri

Last night I went out to Chez Charlie. I pissed off the bartender with my gin and snarky behavior as of lately. It feels good to get away with it and not give a damn, he'll be my friend eventually. They're so uptight there anyway! That's part of the Chez Charlie experience that I actually kind of enjoy.

While I was there I saw some people who were some of the first people I met when I moved here. And still, rather humorously, they act like I am not there! A few of them will come up and say hi but I never feel that I can be that friendly with them and sit at their table because they are sitting with people who aren't very nice. So I just mind my own business without much of a care. Jill and I had a conversation about that attitude and laughed about the irony that takes place within' whatever "scene" this city has inhabiting it. Anyway, I guess it's only something you notice from the outside.

The outside is a place I tend to be a part of more often than not. As a result, the inside looks so confining and I would have to be a not very nice human being to be a part of the inside of anything I want to be the inside of. Every time I think about what it would take to "fit in" I think about what a lousy bit of gum I would have to become. This is going no where! But it has been nice talking to people who bring up this issue before me. I don't even mention it. It makes me feel like maybe there is a place in this awful big town for me for the time being. All of the cold welcomes can be forgotten, slowly but surely. I don't think that I will ever feel like this is a home, I guess my first impressions were difficult to handle. And subjective. One day I will look back and pat myself on the head and laugh profusely.

Part of me sees that maybe I do not understand what it's like because I moved out of my hometown as soon as I turned eighteen. I never wanted to go back. I broke ties with most people and while I am picking up ties now they are fresh and new and with people I never knew back when I lived there. I go back there and I can't imagine being on the inside of that place. There is nothing there. I have a history of breaking free of toxicity that builds up in friendships and relationships after time. I am learning that the build up of toxicity this is my fault in many respects. I am working on it.

Kansas City, for me, is just like entering those small towns in southern Missouri. It's endearing because they have more pride than I do and are happy with their lives and the people they are around. They care about each other, but only each other. But they know you aren't from there and they want you out. They will serve you food but stare at your sinning self because you look different. They'll call up their friends and have the neighborhood good 'ole boys drive around the restaurant, eyeing you. You're a faggot because you're a guy with a streak in your hair. This has happened to me and a group of people I have been with before. I didn't tell them about what was happening but I watched these people closely. I was certain they had a gun. I'm not kidding you. Our brains could have been blown out because we looked weird while eating a processed grilled cheese sandwich and fries.